toxicology report..........

Gosh, I just hate it when people aren’t what they appear to be.  I always pride myself on being a good judge of character but every once in a while, I screw up. I have on occasion had the painful duty of ending relationships that were just too toxic to continue.  Being the honest person that I am, I also feel an obligation to the person to let them know why I am ending the relationship. I feel that it is only fair to them, even though it may hurt their feelings at the moment. I usually tell them gently that I hope they will think about what I’ve said and try not to make the same mistakes in future friendships.  At least then, I can walk away with a clear conscience and they are not left bewildered why I’m no longer around.

Now, don’t get me wrong. When I decide not to share my life with someone anymore, I do not start being rude when I see them, either. I’ve never understood people who can’t be pleasant when they run into someone they don’t care for. What’s the harm in saying hello and smiling, even if you don’t particularly want to spend time with a certain person? The only person you are hurting when you get all angry when you see someone you no longer are friends with…is yourself. Here in Buffalo, it's even more important to stay civil as there are so few of us, we run into each other on a regular basis. It's not like a big city where you can end a relationship and never see someone again.

I take no joy in doing it, either. As a matter of fact, it hurts beyond belief. There is nothing worse than the feeling that you  trusted someone and have them use that trust to turn around and use it as a weapon against you.  Then, to have to show them a mirror of themselves is not fun. Luckily, I’ve only had to do it a few times. As I’ve grown older and wiser, my intuition for authentic people has also grown and this becomes less and less a problem.

To give you an example, I will share with you a letter I wrote to one of my ex-friends several years ago:

I had to write you and let you know why I was short with you the other day and why I can no longer be involved with you.

I have noticed that the only time I hear from you is when you are in some kind of crisis, not when things are even going semi-well. This is not the basis for a true friendship. I get the feeling that you really don’t notice or even care what is going on in my life and I feel like I have been taken advantage of.  I have spent a lot of time and energy to try to help you but it’s like throwing stuff into an endless gulf, you always want more. While I feel for you that you are going through all these health problems, they are of your own doing.  I have tried to help you as best I can but you have still not even gotten hold of the patient advocate at the hospital.  That is the person who needs to be helping you now, not someone who has their own life-threatening  illnesses to deal with.  Stress is my biggest enemy and I have to keep it to a minimum.

You may now think I’m being heartless and cold, I’m strong enough to live with that. You seem to live your life as if you are some kind of victim most of the time, anyway.  If you really stop and look at your life, you will come to the realization that you have been your own worst enemy. I am not the bad guy here. I am merely a human, just like you, who is struggling just as much, just not in the same way.

I feel I have given you as many tools as I can to take care of yourself. I just can’t be part of your never-ending drama anymore. I wish you all the best and I hope that your staging results come out well, but if they don’t, I wish for you the courage to face them head on and find some way to grow from the experience.

Take care,

Lisa

Usually, I prefer to say all this face to face, but there are some people who are always thinking about the next thing THEY are going to say instead of listening to what YOU are saying, hence this letter. You probably know exactly what kind of person you are dealing with by the time this unfortunate ending occurs.

Just in case, though, you’ve been running around frustrated with your relationships, I’ve included a little guide here to the types of toxic people that are probably in your life.  We all have them but sometimes we don’t recognize them.

The Blamer
This person likes to hear his own voice. He/she constantly complains about what isn't working in his/her life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his/her frustrations on you.

The Drainer
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever he/she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of his/her neediness, the conversation often revolves around him/her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.

The Shamer
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He/she often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his/her criticism is for your own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his/hers.

The Discounter
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she/he has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.

The Gossip
This person avoids intimacy by talking about others behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, they create a lack of safety in their relationships, whether they realize it or not. After all, if they'll talk about someone else, they'll talk about you.

To determine whether a relationship drains you or fuels you, ask yourself these questions.

Write down the name of a person in your life.

Am I able to be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted by him/her?

Is this person critical or judgmental of me?

Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy?

Do I feel upbeat and energized when I'm around this person, or depleted and drained?

Does this person share my values? My level of integrity?

Is this person committed to our relationship?

Can this person celebrate my success?

Do I feel good about myself when I'm with this person?

Now, don't all my friends start thinking that you are the one I'm aiming at in what I've had to say...you're safe! I love you all.  This was actually written with my dear husband in mind today.  Men are such trusting souls and bounce through life thinking everyone is as black and white as they are. Rob is grappling with the cold hard facts that some people are out to hurt him and I'm trying to help him through it. Thought I might as well share these little nuggets of life I learned the hard way with the rest of you while I'm at it.

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.
~ Fulton Oursler

elusive Northern Lights...

Last night, Rob and I took off in the truck to see if we could spot some of the Northern Lights. They were supposed to be visible due to all the huge activity from the solar flares and be the best in at least 7 years.  We went out to Lake DeSmet, which is about 4 miles outside town because there are some high spots and there’s really no lights for miles and miles out there, except for the occasional car passing by on the interstate.

Now, first you have to understand, I have a vivid imagination. I am always eager to experience life to its fullest.  So, we get out there, near the monument and I could “swear” I see lights starting to jump off in the horizon! I’m telling Rob, okay..I’m yelling at Rob, to turn off the interior lights, the dash lights, all the lights in the truck, so I can get a pitch black view of the sky.  We get out the binoculars….we get out in the cold, windy lakeshore air.  We glass the whole sky.  What I was seeing was reflections, probably, from a little bit of clouds down low. SO, we wait….and wait…and wait….nothing in the way of pretty green lights for us.

But, during that time a magical thing happens.  It is the clearest night in ages.  I have my head hung out the truck window, staring straight up at the stars in the sky. What I see is breathtaking. Millions and millions of stars are out.  The Milky Way looks so close, I almost feel like it’s sitting right on top of my head.  It’s so dark and quiet out there, I almost felt like I was in one of those snowglobes, only it was filled with stars instead of snow.  I can see so many constellations that I hadn’t seen except in books.

We’ve decided that maybe we need to do this more often. I think we’ve been taking the Wyoming night sky for granted.  Sure, I go out with Thistle at night and see a few shooting stars in the backyard because we don’t have a lot of light pollution, even in Buffalo.  But, what I saw last night humbled me, the sheer magnitude of the universe came back to me in a way I haven’t experienced since we moved here.

It was also awesome because I had some uninterrupted time to talk with Rob. We talked about our next few photo trips and what we’re going to do.  He just got an email from a guy in MN who wants a guide to show him good spots for photography in the Bighorns. Came to the right guy in Rob, he did.  In exchange, this guy (who is a photographer) gave us a long list of places we should check out when we go to MN for a fall photo shoot.  Rob had already checked out on the internet the places he spoke of.  So, we sat out there in the dark, with the stars all around us, talking about that trip.  It was just magical.

After about an hour, we finally gave up. I really could have just sat there forever, suspended in the stars and the darkness.  But, we decided we should go visit my girlfriend, Michelle, who bartends at one of the local bars, the Outback, so off we head, back to town.

Michelle is one of my favorite girlfriends and one of my oldest friends in town. She also has a golden retriever and Thistle and I have been spending a lot of time with her lately (I’m trying to socialize Thistle with other dogs).  She only works a couple of nights a week at the bar and we rarely ever go there because we are creatures of habit and usually only go out on Friday nites and she doesn’t work on Fridays, so this was a treat.  Michelle is a lot like me.  Always cheery, upbeat, no matter what’s going on in her own life. Great energy!  We spent a little while with her and topped off a fabulous evening, laughing and sharing photos with Rob of the antics of our two dogs.  I don’t know who had more pics of Abby and Thistle, Michelle or me, on our cell phones.

Anyway, you may not think this was a special night but for me it was just awesome. Even though we didn’t see what we set out to accomplish, we ended up having one of those nights I will cherish forever. Sometimes, when you are trying to force one experience to happen, another comes and whaps you upside the head.

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.
William Shakespeare

from the hearts of babes...

People often ask me where I get my “courage” to keep going sometimes.  I really don’t consider what I have as courage but I will give you a few examples of who has inspired me over the years.

I have worked a lot with damaged children in my lifetime. Probably because I was one, I am drawn to them.  I’m just going to talk about the ones whose scars you can SEE today, though. At the pediatric hospital I worked back east, we had all kinds of tragedies.  I had a young toddler whose mother put her in a bathtub of scalding water and gave her 3^rd degree burns on her feet, rear end and hands…well, anything that touched when you sit in the tub. Her name was Jazzie and she was the most beautiful little girl and every time I’d get all her little bandages all wrapped on her, I’d turn my head to do something else,  2 minutes later, she’d be all arms and legs in the air in her crib, giggling to beat the band, waving those STERILE bandages around like the fourth of July.  She was always smiling, despite the pain. She always had those raw, blistered hands reached out to me in love. When I would arrive on the unit in the mornings, all the toddlers would be in highchairs, lined up along the nurses station wall, about 10 of them, waiting for us nurses to feed them and here’d be Jazzie…arms flailing, chattering happily, so happy to see me! I always wonder what happened to her. She did not go back to that home, tho.

And then there’s Dustin, my hero. I met him when he was 17. He’d been at the Hospital since he was 6. He’d been hit by a hit-n-run driver at that age and suffered c-spine injuries that left him paralyzed, unable to breathe without a ventilator, no feeling below his neck.  His family had stopped visiting years before I got there. When I met him, Johns Hopkins had already rigged him up with a device so that he could control his wheelchair with a blow tube using his mouth. They had also done the same with a computer for him. Now, this was back before the internet was as fancy as it is now, back when all there were was bulletin boards to communicate with other people. Well, Dustin was running one himself and talking to people all over the world. He painstakingly would blow toward each key on the keyboard. No one he spoke with at first knew that he was disabled until he chose to let them into his world. He wanted to be an archaeologist and talked Hopkins into bringing him in some rocks and they even fashioned him a tool that he could work with his mouth. So he could tease out fossils from the rock.  He never wavered in his quest for independence.  He had the greatest sense of humor, too. He was on this nasty medication that caused him to have terrible, smelly diarrhea and one day I was in with him, wiping it up, him on his side and he moves his head back towards me. “So, Lisa..ya want some chips with that dip?”  Anytime I’m having a bad day, I think of Dustin. I bet he’s doing awesome.  Last I heard, he had a 24 hr nurse and was living independently and going to Hopkins, pursuing his degree.

We also had a lot of kids that came through for Ilizarov apparatus procedures.  This is used for kids that are born with one leg shorter than the other and for “dwarfism”.  They break the leg in several places and put on a halo and strategically place long screws into the bone of the femur and tibia and fibula.  Every 4 hours, it was my job to turn the screws so that it stretched the bone about 1/16 of an inch.  We do this for months at a time until the bone lengthens to it’s proper spot. It’s excrutiating to the child and we only do one leg at a time. The worst part is that you have to clean around each of the screws, tamping around the skin, to keep it from glomming onto the screw.  Such brave little boys and girls. I wiped away a lot of tears in those days and I got a lot of hugs. I was always so happy to see them come running down the halls with their straight normal legs, though. 

Everyone always tells me they could never work pediatrics. That’s it’s just too sad. You have no idea what you are missing. I had one little girl who was dying of cancer.  She kept telling me that all she really wanted was to let her mother know that it was okay, that she was going to be with the Lord. But, she was worried about leaving her Mommy alone.  So, I went to her mother and told her that her 6 yr old wanted a few minutes alone with her, that she had some beautiful things to say to “just her”.  Well, the woman couldn’t handle it and never stepped foot into that room without other people with her until the child died. Every evening, after everyone but the nurses were gone, the little girl and I would talk about it.  I wasn’t sure what to say to her about her Mother’s inability to face her alone.  But, the night she did die, she grabbed my hand and said  “Nurse Lisa….tell Mommy  that I’m sorry I have to leave her, I tried to be brave and hang on, but I just can’t do it anymore. God keeps whispering it’s time to go. I’m not scared, I just don’t want Mommy to cry anymore.” And with that, she pressed a little painted rock into my hand that she’d made with the P/T  ladies that she’d written “I’m right here” on and asked me to give it to her mom. A few minutes later, the monitors started their knell…..Mom never did come back, except to get her meager few belongings from the room. When I tried to give her the rock, she refused. I still have it.

These are just a couple of my little inspirations. I have several collages on my hall wall with pictures of these children I worked with…I don’t really need the photos, I always carry them in my heart.

Some people come into our lives and go quickly. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding, with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints in our heart, and we are never the same." ~ Flavia Weed

Monday, monday.....

Sigh…another Monday rears its head. What is it about Mondays that we fear/dread so much? Aren’t they full of promise? Don’t they signal a brand new week that could change our lives forever? So, why do we hate Mondays so much?

Well, first off, it signals the end of the weekend, I guess. And I do enjoy my weekends. It is nice having Rob home and underfoot. It’s my chance to spend some quality time with him. Monday morning, he puts back on that serious face that says he’s gotta be Mr. Planner and steel himself for the public.

But what happened to Monday being full of promise and renewal? I think I’m going to start trying to look at it from a different angle from now on.  I’m going to stop dreading it and start embracing it.  After all, my mantra is embracing life in all its ups and downs, why should I not embrace Monday?

I tend to start a lot of new promises to myself on Mondays, do you? If I need to exercise more or change some nasty eating habit, I always have to start on Monday. No other day will do. SO, this Monday, I am going to start appreciating Mondays!

Okay, no messing around, here? Today is my day to go tan in the morning at 9 a.m. That will feel good since it’s only about 14 degrees out.  That’s one good Monday thing! Then, I’m gonna go have coffee with one of my girlfriends afterwards who always gets me going into a sheer knockdown gigglefest every time I’m with her.  That will make Monday even more tolerable. Then, as long as some of the ice melts (we had a rare rain over the weekend that turned to ice when the temp plummeted after dark) on the streets, me and Miss Thistle, my 5 month old Golden Retriever, will take a nice long walk and see if we can’t run into some pretty mule deer to talk to down by Clear Creek trail and perhaps take a few minutes to listen to the ice cracking in the river. Oh and of course, we’ll have to chase a few squirrels for Thistle. 

After lunch, I have to get back to working on our taxes. Now this would normally send me into the Monday blues but with my new found LOVE of Mondays, I’m going to re-wire my brain and say to myself “You might just get a refund this year and the faster you slog through all this paperwork, the quicker you’ll know what’s coming or going to the IRS!” See, that won’t be so hard! (Do I sound convincing?)

Oh, and I have to go get a prescription for Ms Thistle.  The poor dear has been on antibiotics all but 8 weeks of her life.  She has a UTI, well, she’s had several since we got her from the breeder and will have to stay on antibiotics until we get her spayed because she was born with a little birth defect in her Hoo-ha that makes it sorta an “innie” instead of the normal “outie”  Poor thing is going to have to have surgery to remove the extra skin to keep her from getting more infections but we have to wait one more month.  The antibiotics have been costing us $95 every two weeks.  The Prescription shop was not amused when I tried to claim her as a dependant on my prescription insurance. Can’t blame a girl for trying.

Also need to go start shopping for some birthday presents. I don’t know how I did it but I have about 12 birthdays coming up of very close relatives and friends for the end of January and all of February.  With my new found love of Mondays, it’s a perfect day to start hitting the downtown shops!  I already have a few of the gifts.  One of my dear friends, Marchel Kelly, makes these awesome wrist warmers. You know how you always have that gap between your gloves and your jacket? Well, she’s made these awesome warmers, and they even have a insert that warms up inside and they are cute as can be.  Definitely sending a pair to our daughter, Jackie, in Chicago.

Okay, so, see….I’ve managed to come up with fun things to do for my first Monday That Will Be Fun Day!  And, to top it all off, I feel pretty darn good today.  Nothing is screaming at me, body-wise today, just the usual aches and pains.

SO, would you like to join me in this little experiment? I really think poor Monday gets a bad rap!  So, get out there and enjoy it. It’s the beginning of a new week and who knows, this could be the week that everything turns around for all of us. There could be a knock at the door, a phone call, who knows, that changes your life for the better…forever….

"Life whispers to us all the time… Find a quiet spot in the middle of the turbulence. Go to a quiet place within your soul and stay there for a short while. Do not rant and rave at the problem. Just go to this spot and let your fears be calmed, even for a moment. Don’t listen to the call of the problem but, rather, listen for a few seconds to the song of your soul."~ John Harricharan

A little help from my friends...

I have never felt so comfortable living some someplace before than I do living in little ole Buffalo, WY.  I have more friends here than I ever have in my life.  I’m not talking acquaintances, either, I am talking, drop everything if you needed them…. friends.

They are a very eclectic group, too.  Like I said in a previous entry, we have the full gamut of types of people here but they all have a few things in common, they all love the outdoors, they all appreciate nature and they all seem to really respect their fellow man..  The pioneer blood still runs hard and deep in the veins of folks around here.  It’s sorta still the last frontier in the lower 48. 

This is not an easy place to live.  We don’t have any big industries except the oil and gas and methane and that is really hard, dirty, dangerous work. If you want to ranch, well, that’s not easy either. I used to help during calfing and lambing season out in Clearmont on one of the ranches in the spring, with the wind blowing 60 mph, trying to help match up babies with their moms and that’s cold and sometimes depressing work when the babies don’t make it. I do love carrying two little lambs under each arm, though, them bleating to beat the band, they are so small and cute at that age (they really stink as adults). The ranchers try to time calfing with the weather getting better but the weather around here is a fickle beast and sometimes it’s a blizzard.  Those cowboys work hard, let me tell ya. And then, they round up those cattle and sheep and run them up onto the mountain in the spring to graze on the high mtn grass for the summer.  Here in Buffalo, we still have cattle drives right through town twice a year in the fall and summer!

The other jobs around here are kinda sparce.  We have no big businesses, really. Lots of real estate companies. A lot of little boutique stores, but no manufacturing, and the biggest store is Pamida. Our lovely Chamber of Commerce staff is working hard to try to get some industry in here that would fit well in our community and they are doing a bang up job, but it takes time. SO, if you are thinking you’d like to live here, be prepared to work your butt off. I call it poverty with a view.  Sure, you can do well, but don’t expect it to be handed to you on a platter. You’ll have to either start your own business and have it be successful or you’ll have several jobs. 

The cost of living in Wyoming is less than other places, we have no state income tax but you are giving up some stuff, too.  Personally, doesn’t bother me a bit.  When we first moved here, I thought I was going to miss shopping malls, turns out I don’t, and lo and behold, I don’t shop like a drunken sailor anymore, either.  Amazing what you find out you don’t need when it’s not staring you in the face all the time saying “buy me”. We only have two real shopping malls in all of WY, one in Casper 110 miles away and one in Cheyenne, 5 hours away.  I now prefer to buy from the little merchants, I don’t even bother with the big box stores anymore. Of course, the internet has changed everything, too.  If I really want something, that’s the biggest store on the planet!  But, living here, your values change and “stuff” becomes less important.

Anyway, back to the friends.  Right now, those that can and have the money squirreled away, are doing their little “snowbird” number. Just had dinner last nite with friends who are headed to CA for a month, to escape the depth of winter. Another couple I’m very close to just left Sat. to spend a month in Nicaragua.  A lot of Buffalo goes to Mexico and Arizona and Florida this time of year.  The rest of us huddle together around our woodstoves and pretend we don’t care. Rob and I are just getting to the point where we can start taking little snowbirdie vacations, not long ones, maybe a week.  But, I really like the comraderie that evolves with my friends in winter.  The tourists are gone and it seems like we all slow down and I get to see people and spend more time with them. I make an effort every week during the winter to call at least one girlfriend I haven’t heard from in a while and go spend some time with her.  We all know you have to water those friendships to keep them alive and I cherish each and every one of my friends.

I came up with a great idea right around the holidays…had an after holiday “Spa party” at my house.  Wasn’t selling anything…I have all kinds of spa stuff to make me feel better I’ve accumulated over the years..a portable FAR infrared sauna, a wax tub for hands and feet, massage doohickies, lotions, oils. Anyway, got about 16 of my girlfriends together and we had a blast! We had name tags with spa names..I was Lounging Lisa. And I had “spa” drinks…made green tea and blueberry slushies that came out great. Gave each other massages, I did a little guided yoga (just the sun salutation) and we stretched and put on facial masks and dipped ourselves in wax.  I was amazed that some of the girls who lived within a block of each other, didn’t know one another!  Now all my girlfriends are better acquainted with each other!

Made me feel good ….I don’t believe in strangers, just people I haven’t met yet. 

"If you can't find something positive about your environment, look again-with 'fresh eyes.' Try another point of view. Be creative. What good are you taking for granted? If you can't find anything, hold your breath. Within a few minutes, you'll *really* appreciate breathing."
~Peter McWilliams
"You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought" {Page 137}

Of weekends and workaholics

I love weekends, but then again, unless you have to work them, most people do. I just wish my body understood that there are certain days of the week it could sleep late if it wanted to. Not working, I guess it just doesn’t get the message.  Rob’s body does…he’ll sleep late this morning, but the poor man is a workhorse. Sometimes I don’t know how he does it.

Rob is the County Planner/Project Manager for our county.  He’s the first one they‘ve really ever had and he's now been doing it over 10 years.  There was a guy before Rob, but he managed both the city and the county land use business. Now there’s a City planner, too.  Rob’s job is a bit controversial and I worry about him. We are in the midst of working on getting zoning here…. I know, can you imagine a place that doesn’t have it yet? It’s something no one likes, not even Rob, but it’s a necessary evil. In a perfect world, everyone would respect their neighbors and consider them before doing anything on their own property that might affect someone else….but this isn’t a perfect world.  Johnson Co has become a haven for a few scoundrels who have learned there are no rules here and are just out to make a buck. We don’t even have building codes in the County, can you imagine?  I’ve seen bad electrical wiring, shoddy construction, you name it, around here.  But we have a pioneer spirit around here, too.  People don’t like being told by the “gummite” what to do with their property…. So, it’s been rough, and I worry about the toll it takes on my husband. People in town can't seperate Rob the County Planner from Rob Yingling, resident and shoot him dirty looks and talk nasty behind his back...it's his job, folks..... Because he really cares, he’s been working on zoning regulations that encompass our county’s unique needs.  We have a lot of agricultural land, ranches and a lot of open space that needs protecting and we also are trying to keep the density of population close to the services in town.  Some yahoo started a subdivision of trailers 12 miles outta town with no thought that police, fire, ambulance all have to go out there to save their butts and the folks who live in the city end up paying….

Rob’s other big job is our web design business, Bighorn Web Design. We have about 75 clients. Real estate companies that we do daily work for, an auction company that keeps us busy, several others that are very frequent updates and right now we are getting in tons of work from all our outfitters sending in pictures of this years hunts.  Oh, and Rob designs the ads that flash on the screen at the local theatre before the movie, too. He does all this work after dinner in the evenings (sometimes til midnite) and on Saturdays and Sundays after he cuts firewood for our woodstove and his summer gardening chores. He keeps saying he’s going to start getting rid of the business….

Then, there’s his fun job, Wild Wyoming Images. Rob has one of those natural eyes for photography. He’s been taking photos since he was a Chief in the Navy and when he started doing websites, a lot of the clients had no photos to add so he started taking shots of their stuff. Turned out he has one of those magical eyes for composition. And he has the patience of Job when it comes to wildlife photos.  Not me, they didn’t have those ADHD and stuff for diagnosis when I was a kid, but I’m pretty sure I’m one of them, lol.

One shot Rob took out at the HF Bar Ranch is of about 30 horses running toward us, the ranch runs the guest horses out to pasture every evening to graze and Rob got right out in front of them and caught a fabulous pic of them with this beautiful speckled paint in front, named Chocolate Chip.  It is now on 4 billboards on 1-90 advertising Buffalo as “More than a One Horse Town”. He’s also been published in fishing guides, magazines and tourist guides. We even did scouting for Vanity Fair once, that was a hoot.  Right now, we are working with Caters News Agency in London, perhaps gonna hit the big time with Rob’s smiling Moose photo, keep your fingers crossed.

Hold your family close, know that if you have someone in your life that works hard like my husband does, they are probably doing it for you. My medical bills are horrendous. I have Medicare from my disability and we also have pretty darn good health care through Rob’s county job, but we still somehow end up paying about $15,000 a year out of pocket.  The  insurance companies always find a way to not pay for things. My co-pays on my pills are around 300-400 a month, too.  It just never ends. I got a settlement from the hospital when I got stuck, I do get 70% of my RN salary for the rest of my life and Social Security Disability but because they only gave me a few months at the time, I wasn't even thinking about health care coverage when we settled, dummy.  Just got my w-2 from the hospital the other day for taxes.  It's so weird to still see it come from there and it says "sick pay".  Bet they hate writing it, too!

I’m so thankful I have someone who thinks I’m worth it.  I hope you do, too.  Have a wonderful weekend, friends!

And, on he sleeps…

No wonder he’s upstairs sleeping.

You can dress her up....

I really dislike sympathy. I think I touched on this before, I don’t mind people knowing that I’m fighting a bunch of medical battles but I don’t like it being obvious. Feeling sorry for me is not going to make me any better and it may make you feel a little superior for a moment but it doesn’t help you either. So, I have a bunch of things I do to try to make myself look like everyone else.

Everybody likes to look good, right? You feel so much better with your hair combed, a nice little outfit that makes you feel confident? We all have several outfits that we know we look better in than others,  that we grab when we wanna feel special.  First impressions and all….

My dermatologist in Billings actually has me go to the tanning salon. I have a skin condition thanks to my lovely little companion, the HIV virus, called eosinophilic foliculitus.  That in turn causes something called dermatographia, which means you can write on my skin and leave your name, weird, right? Itches like hell! All I have to do is scratch myself and I start up a whole madness that can travel all over.  Anyway, the most effective way to keep it under control is sunlight.  So, she has me tan.  I’m sure there are people in town that just think I’m vain and want to look like I just got back from a beach vacation but this is why I do it. I actually hate having to slather myself with lotion all the time because the tanning bed causes even drier skin.  The only other treatment for the folliculitis is steroids and I’m not allowed to use any of those because they damage my immune system further (read here..could kill me quick).  I also think I may be getting a little pre-cancerous lesion on my nose, I have to wait til spring now to get back to Billings to see Dr Hawk. The little spot only comes up when I over-tan, but I'm watching the freaky little bugger...

I have this thing about looking presentable, I’ve just told you….we all do to some extent.  But for me, it’s a defense mechanism because I know when you run into me on the street, you are giving me the once-over, looking for signs of me going downhill…admit it...we ALL do it with our sick friends.  I’m going to let you in on a little secret, but you better not throw it back in my face or I will hunt you down and tickle you until you are blue!  The worse I feel, the more well dressed you will find me…. So, if you see me running around town in my bent up ole cowboy hat and ratty jeans and a sweatshirt, rest assured, I’m having a grand day! If, on the other hand, you see me all color coordinated, down to my shoes, looking like I just left one of the offices downtown, I’m probably not feeling too good. Now, shhhh, don’t spread that around.

It all goes back to Saturday Night Live, believe it or not…do you remember Billy Crystal’s character, the latin guy? He used to say in every skit “It is better to looooook good than to feel good, dahling” Funny where you pick up life tips.  But, also, when I do dress myself nicely, it helps a bit, not much, but a bit.  Now, dressing nice in Buffalo is a whole ‘nother animal than anywhere else in the US.  Since we live in windy, cooler conditions most of the year, we dress more practical, even when we are dressed nicely, than most other folk.  I have countless pairs of jeans..dress jeans, town jeans, knock around jeans, garden jeans, hiking jeans.  I have 19 really cute vests ( yes, I counted them) and I have turtlenecks in every color and print you can think of (except those stoopid little animals and hearts and crap) Dresses on the other hand, not so much….the wind likes to grab those suckers and twist them around your face so fast, looks like you are wearing a burka! The other clothing necessity here in WY is a silk scarf. First time I saw a cowboy wearing one, I snickered, thought he was a bit weird.  I tell you, though, you don’t even need a jacket around here if you have a good silk scarf! You double it loosely around you neck and you are warm as can be…get too hot, take it off…they are awesome, I have them in every color now, lots with local cattle brands on them (yeah, I’m cool)

On the same dressing subject……. we have a big shin-dig coming up on Jan 29^th! The Chamber of Commerce is having a Winter Gathering and this year’s theme is “Night at the Oscar’s”  we are going to have a red carpet, couples will be announced as they come in, the paparazzi will be there taking pics, it will be F-U-N. I have decided to emulate Haley Berry for the evening. Found myself a beautiful royal blue strapless floor length dress I could see her in, goes great with my tan, and I even found a fake mink jacket at Best Out West Antiques.  My only problem is always the shoes, need heels, can’t walk in heels…wonder if Rob could carry me in… Oh, it’s gonna be a blast. It’s our one event of the year where we can dress up. We have a 4 course dinner with wine pairing that evening and our tickets include a grand prize drawing  for a trip to Hollywood for like 4 nites, I think.  I won the grand prize at this a couple of years ago. That year it was a trip to Wine Country in CA, limo, plane, tours.  Rob didn’t want to go, so we donated it back at the dinner and it was auctioned off for $5000 right on the spot, which went to the Chamber.  Only way I’d ever be able to donate like that!

Okay, see what you did, I’m off track again!!  Suffice it to say, you now know how to gauge how my days going and I’m not sure I should have told you. But, as I’m sure you’ve figured, I don’t keep much to myself once I start talking, so….another cat outta the bag..meow!

Happy Friday, everyone!!

“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them." -Oscar Wilde