toxicology report..........

Gosh, I just hate it when people aren’t what they appear to be.  I always pride myself on being a good judge of character but every once in a while, I screw up. I have on occasion had the painful duty of ending relationships that were just too toxic to continue.  Being the honest person that I am, I also feel an obligation to the person to let them know why I am ending the relationship. I feel that it is only fair to them, even though it may hurt their feelings at the moment. I usually tell them gently that I hope they will think about what I’ve said and try not to make the same mistakes in future friendships.  At least then, I can walk away with a clear conscience and they are not left bewildered why I’m no longer around.

Now, don’t get me wrong. When I decide not to share my life with someone anymore, I do not start being rude when I see them, either. I’ve never understood people who can’t be pleasant when they run into someone they don’t care for. What’s the harm in saying hello and smiling, even if you don’t particularly want to spend time with a certain person? The only person you are hurting when you get all angry when you see someone you no longer are friends with…is yourself. Here in Buffalo, it's even more important to stay civil as there are so few of us, we run into each other on a regular basis. It's not like a big city where you can end a relationship and never see someone again.

I take no joy in doing it, either. As a matter of fact, it hurts beyond belief. There is nothing worse than the feeling that you  trusted someone and have them use that trust to turn around and use it as a weapon against you.  Then, to have to show them a mirror of themselves is not fun. Luckily, I’ve only had to do it a few times. As I’ve grown older and wiser, my intuition for authentic people has also grown and this becomes less and less a problem.

To give you an example, I will share with you a letter I wrote to one of my ex-friends several years ago:

I had to write you and let you know why I was short with you the other day and why I can no longer be involved with you.

I have noticed that the only time I hear from you is when you are in some kind of crisis, not when things are even going semi-well. This is not the basis for a true friendship. I get the feeling that you really don’t notice or even care what is going on in my life and I feel like I have been taken advantage of.  I have spent a lot of time and energy to try to help you but it’s like throwing stuff into an endless gulf, you always want more. While I feel for you that you are going through all these health problems, they are of your own doing.  I have tried to help you as best I can but you have still not even gotten hold of the patient advocate at the hospital.  That is the person who needs to be helping you now, not someone who has their own life-threatening  illnesses to deal with.  Stress is my biggest enemy and I have to keep it to a minimum.

You may now think I’m being heartless and cold, I’m strong enough to live with that. You seem to live your life as if you are some kind of victim most of the time, anyway.  If you really stop and look at your life, you will come to the realization that you have been your own worst enemy. I am not the bad guy here. I am merely a human, just like you, who is struggling just as much, just not in the same way.

I feel I have given you as many tools as I can to take care of yourself. I just can’t be part of your never-ending drama anymore. I wish you all the best and I hope that your staging results come out well, but if they don’t, I wish for you the courage to face them head on and find some way to grow from the experience.

Take care,

Lisa

Usually, I prefer to say all this face to face, but there are some people who are always thinking about the next thing THEY are going to say instead of listening to what YOU are saying, hence this letter. You probably know exactly what kind of person you are dealing with by the time this unfortunate ending occurs.

Just in case, though, you’ve been running around frustrated with your relationships, I’ve included a little guide here to the types of toxic people that are probably in your life.  We all have them but sometimes we don’t recognize them.

The Blamer
This person likes to hear his own voice. He/she constantly complains about what isn't working in his/her life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his/her frustrations on you.

The Drainer
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever he/she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of his/her neediness, the conversation often revolves around him/her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.

The Shamer
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He/she often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his/her criticism is for your own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his/hers.

The Discounter
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she/he has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.

The Gossip
This person avoids intimacy by talking about others behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, they create a lack of safety in their relationships, whether they realize it or not. After all, if they'll talk about someone else, they'll talk about you.

To determine whether a relationship drains you or fuels you, ask yourself these questions.

Write down the name of a person in your life.

Am I able to be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted by him/her?

Is this person critical or judgmental of me?

Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy?

Do I feel upbeat and energized when I'm around this person, or depleted and drained?

Does this person share my values? My level of integrity?

Is this person committed to our relationship?

Can this person celebrate my success?

Do I feel good about myself when I'm with this person?

Now, don't all my friends start thinking that you are the one I'm aiming at in what I've had to say...you're safe! I love you all.  This was actually written with my dear husband in mind today.  Men are such trusting souls and bounce through life thinking everyone is as black and white as they are. Rob is grappling with the cold hard facts that some people are out to hurt him and I'm trying to help him through it. Thought I might as well share these little nuggets of life I learned the hard way with the rest of you while I'm at it.

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.
~ Fulton Oursler